Chiefs Chronicles: NFL Week 11
Running Gags, KC Disasterpiece AKA The Days of Feeling Bad as Chiefs Fans Were Supposed to Be Over, About Advertising, Hot Take: KC's Plans to Fix the WR Problems, The Music Behind CC, & More!
To avoid the distasteful Chiefs topic of the last week for a little bit longer, let’s start by talking about one of the best elements of sitcoms and late-night shows: running gags. Why do we love them? Maybe for the same reasons sequels make so much money- they’re familiar. When we see a running gag coming, it makes us feel like we’re in on the joke. Everybody wants to be included.
So, why bring the subject up at the start of this week’s post (not sure if they are called posts, substacks, or some third thing- will put some sort of word rotation in place)? Because, yet again, this substack is late. Last minute is the way Chiefs Chronicles is going to roll, apparently. Hopefully, that makes you feel like you’re a part of something bigger than yourself. Too grandiose?
“Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.”
Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
Sooo. This is the post I hoped I wouldn’t have to write this year (or any year)- that’s part of the reason it took so long. I’m realistic though; even a Patrick Mahomes-led offense will have bad days (I’m looking at you Super Bowl LV- no link for that one). Well, maybe not quite that bad. Those dark days are over, right? Anyone? I could use some backup here.
Monday night the Chiefs lost a game they should have won, against a pretty good (even Trav’s big brother said they didn’t play well) Eagles team. Make no mistake: the Chiefs lost that game, much more than the Eagles (or the refs) won it. I think Trey Wingo summed it up best with this Tweet (are they still called Tweets or are they Ex’s now?):
But Patrick Mahomes is Captain Clutch. He laughs at 3rd (or 4th) and a mile (or 500 miles). He will do whatever it takes to win. (Boy, is it hard to find pictures of Patrick to license for editorial purposes. I had to settle for a picture in a picture.)
The days of Chiefs fans feeling sick on every 3rd down (or any big down) were all in the past. Any longtime Chiefs fan knows exactly the feeling I’m talking about. The way your stomach felt when the Chiefs needed to drive the length of the field (or get a stop on defense- I’m still mad about this one) for the win, with anything less than 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter. Or the horrific dread that crept in during ANY playoff game versus the Colts.
A quick story to illustrate to the newer generation of Chiefs fans how bad it was for us back then: My brother Mark called me in the 3rd quarter of the 2014 AFC Wild-Card Game to congratulate me. The Chiefs were up 38-10 on the Colts and he figured the win was in the bag. I told him it was way too soon to call it a win. I’d been in this position many times before (with big games in general and big games against the Colts in particular ) and those didn’t work out so well (playoff games in the ‘95- Lin Elliot Game, ‘03- No-Punt Game, and ‘06 seasons). This wasn’t going to be the exception. Long story short, Andrew Luck led an almost unbelievable (how did this happen?!?) comeback and the Colts won the game by a score of 45-44. Now I’m not superstitious, but I asked Mark to wait until any game involving KC had been over for 10 minutes (I felt a lot like this) and then call to congratulate me on a Chiefs win. Just to be sure. Early celebrations often come back to haunt you.
I’m sorry for bringing up those dark times, but maybe reliving the trauma will help us to heal. Or not. At least we have a bunch of playoff wins, two Super Bowl wins, and two Patrick Mahomes MVPs to comfort us. Not reeking of desperation is pretty great, too. Enjoy, Bengals fans. Note: This was written before Joe Burrow’s injury. I was actually sorry to see that happen- he’s a great player and the perfect foil for Patrick Mahomes. Plus, he’s so fun for Chiefs fans to root against. Is it ok to say he has a very punchable face?
Now, I’m not some slick, big-city ad exec… but it seems (what Homer is saying below; almost ) to me that ads during games nowadays are often terrible. Except for local ads- they’re fantastic!
During Chiefs games, I usually watch the commercials. YouTube TV gives me the option to do a “moment of Zen” instead, but I mostly forgo that- I’m old-ish and the ads give me something to complain about. Plus, there is no limit to a Chiefs fan’s capacity for adverts featuring our favorite Chiefs. Mostly.
My current top 5 hated commercials, which have made me swear to never purchase the goods or services they offer are:
Liberty Mutual- Return of the “Liberty Bibberty” Guy. (Note to Liberty Mutual: We didn’t like him or think he was funny the first time). I can see the LiMu executives after watching it: “It rhymes! The idiots who watch TV ought to love that! They like things that rhyme, right? Aw, who cares? Let’s go do Scrooge McDucks into the piles of money in our offices!”
Any Burger King commercial- The flat, weirdly sung songs haunt my dreams.
Any Bounty commercial- Mainly because they always wipe the spills towards whatever is in danger. Who does that?!?
Any USAA commercial- Gronk was a top-5 All-Time TE, but he’s a terrible actor. Sometimes that helps the ads. This is not one of those times.
Gillette Labs- The ad with the father and son talking via Face Time about shaving (since that happens so often). When the dad says, “Game changah!” I was over it forever.
Whatever happened to all of the amazing commercials we used to see every day? They weren’t just selling products, they were telling stories. Like this, this, this, and especially this.
Ok! This is my first attempt at a “Hot Take” and I really want it to stand out:
This year the Chiefs will employ a sports psychologist (it may have happened already) to help them get rid of the massive case of the yips the entire offense seems to currently have. They will also institute crazy receiving drills, meant to improve the focus (might have used this link before, but it’s worth repeating) of the seemingly distracted WR corps (not “core” as many online folks like to use- sorry for being a grammar jerk).
Then, in the 2024 NFL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs (after trading up into the first 15 picks of the 1st Round for a top WR), will spend all of their remaining draft picks on pass catchers. And not just any pass catchers- hands catchers. No more of this “draft a physical specimen and hope he learns how to be a great receiver” nonsense. Or the famous “he had one good year in college and we think that will translate into NFL success” scheme. And don’t forget the always popular “we know he’s got character issues, but our system will fix him” plan. The team will be chock full of new receivers, whose tools include the always vital skill of catching the ball and not dropping it.
“What about our current receivers?” you may ask. “They seem like such nice guys.” Well, starting in training camp, all Chiefs pass catchers (TEs and RBs included) will be pitted against one another in a ball-catching Battle Royale, inside a huge metal framework, vaguely reminiscent of (but distinctly different from (for trademark purposes)) the Thunderdome. This process may weed some of the “nice guys” out, but all who remain will be talented, battle-hardened receivers who are worthy of catching passes from Big Daddy Patty (I’m so sorry- watched that by mistake years ago, and now it’s living rent-free in my head).
“Hot Take” over. Success!
And now for some of the extremely random music that was playing during the writing of this week’s Chiefs blog or “Chielog” as I call it (the “third thing” these scribblings could be called that I mentioned above- I may need to rethink that one). This is what happened to play on Amazon Music:
Crawling in the Dark by Hoobastank
Who Can It Be Now? by Men At Work
Speed of Sound by Coldplay
Phantom Limb by The Shins
Live and Let Die by Wings
Undone - The Sweater Song by Wheezer
Echoes by the Rapture
Have You Never Been Mellow? by Olivia Newton-John
I Might Be Wrong by Radiohead
Now for a random Hoobastank story. For those of you poo-pooing Hoobastank (have those particular words ever been put together before?), let me ask you this one time: how many Platinum Songs and Records do you have? They have one of each. Anyway, I went to high school for two years with the drummer, Chris Hesse. He seemed like a really nice guy (we had at least one class together, but we weren’t friends), and he always carried his drumsticks everywhere he went. That’s it.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. 'That was fun,' I said. 'You bet it was,' said Nick. 'Let's climb higher.' 'No,' I said. 'I think we should be heading back now.' 'We have time,' Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
Chiefs vs Raiders tomorrow!!! LET’S GOOOOOOO!!! Here’s a memory to fire you up. (End Note: This got delayed for a bunch of reasons, so I haven’t triple-checked everything. Please let me know if you find any mistakes so I can fix them. Thanks!)
Share your thoughts, if you disagree with anything, or just want to say “Hi.”
I loved the top 5 most hated commercials and the reasons why 😂
Also, I feel like our conversation about music the other day made the article 🤔 some good stuff