Chiefs Chronicles: The "Is It Thursday Night Yet?" Edition - 2024 Season Week 1
Yes... I AM Ready For Some Football, Why NFL Football Is By Far The Best Sport & Chiefs Football Is Even Better, Inside A Chiefs Fan's (Almost) Perfect Fantasy Draft, & Bunches of Other Random Stuff!
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Yes... I AM Ready For Some Football
The first game of the Chiefs 2024 Season (and, I suppose, the start of the 2024 NFL Season for all of those other teams) is almost here! Can you believe it’s finally time for Chiefs games that count?!? On Thursday Night Football, in Primetime, we will be given a heaping helping of Chiefs Football all served up in a packed Arrowhead Stadium, with smoked Ravens and a side of sweet KC-style BBQ sauce for dippin’!!!!! (Note: And I just realized that I’m starving. Do I have any mashed potatoes and gravy in the house? It’s probably a little late for BBQ.)
Apologies for assaulting you with overexcitement, food references, and aggressive punctuation to start this edition of Chiefs Chronicles. You see, football’s my thing. I think that first paragraph got most of the excess energy out of my system… for now.
On Thursday, I’m gonna be in my living room all hyped up again.
Even though being members of Chiefs Kingdom means that we have less offseason to wait through every year than all of the other NFL fanbases (that sounded a little cocky- I’ll dial it back by 10%), it still feels like an eternity for most of us. We may root for our favorite baseball or basketball or whatever other sports teams in the meantime (⬅️ we saw Spacehog in concert in the late 90s- they opened for Aerosmith at the Sullivan Arena in Anchorage, AK), but it isn’t the same as cheering on our beloved Chiefs.
What exactly is the difference between our fandom for those “other sports” and backing the Chiefs for the most hardcore members of Chiefs Kingdom? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, those other professional sports just aren’t NFL Football. In fact, when it comes to NFL Football, the Chiefs are currently the (insert the name of your favorite steak or BBQed meat here), 4X Super Bowl Champs, 2X Reigning Champs, legitimate contenders to 3-Peat, tippy-top dogs of NFL Football.
(Note: I have to stop referencing food. It’s 1:37 AM and I want a steak.)
Don’t get me wrong, there are some decent pro leagues out there featuring those “other sports,” and I absolutely have favorite teams that I enjoy watching from time to time. While all of that is true, I feel that I can say without hyperbole that the Kansas City Chiefs are a million times better than all of them put together. (Note: I’ve probably used the following video before but I don’t care- it’s a classic and I stand by my choice.)
That’s just my opinion (a correct opinion that many of you probably share- please vote below in my generalized best pro sport poll, so my rightness can be verified) but it isn’t entirely based on my personal preference of what game is being played. What other facts do I have to back up this bold opinion, you may ask?
I’m extremely happy to share those facts with you. At length.
Alright ladies and gents, boys and girls, it’s time to follow me down the rabbit hole…
Why NFL Football Is By Far The Best Sport & Chiefs Football Is Even Better
When figuring out which sport is best, something we must consider is the length of each sport’s regular season. A major factor that differentiates being a fan of those “other sports” leagues from being an NFL fan is the following:
Most baseball/basketball/hockey fans don’t need to watch every game to keep up with their favorite team. The MLB/NBA/NHL regular seasons are so incredibly long, that it can be hard for even the most diehard fan to watch every game.
Let’s compare the 4-major sports by length of season:
The “Other Sports” Leagues:
MLB: 162 Regular Season Games over 6 months
NBA/NHL: 82 Regular Season Games over 5.5 months
The Best Sports League:
NFL: 17 Regular Season Games over 18 weeks
The NFL has perfected the formula for meaningful games. It features the shortest pro season of all the major sports leagues, followed by the even shorter “win or go home” playoffs, which is then capped off by a single game to crown a champion. That’s why there’s no more significant game in sports than the Super Bowl and no better sport in the world than NFL football.
The other leagues haven’t realized this simple truth: the more regular season games that are played during a given season, the less important each individual game becomes for the team and the team’s fanbase. Now you may already agree with me, but let’s dig into this idea a bit more anyway- my train of thought is a runaway and, at this point, you’re along for the ride. Besides, something you read here might help you explain the concept to a hockey-loving philistine or maybe you just like reading about (and seeing) delicious food. Reader’s choice.
To demonstrate my assertion that long seasons equate to lots of meaningless games (and make other sports worse than football), I’ve just created (on very little sleep, I might add) what I call The Wings to Games Analogy. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
The Wings to Games Analogy
Note- For the duration of this analogy the following is true:
“I” represent everything that takes regular season games away from a fan- work, prior obligations, prison, rogue meteors, etc. Odds are you hate “I” (also known as “me”).
Each “wing” represents one regular season game.
Each “platter” represents a league’s regular season and holds various amounts of “wings” or regular season games.
The “five people” represent, as a group, a fan of whichever sport we’re examining.
Confused? Perfect!
If I eat one wing (remove one regular season game) from an enormous platter (regular season) of 162 Chipotle BBQ Wings at Q39 in KC (AKA Best Wings on the Planet- so tasty!) it won’t make a dent in the number of wings available, and the five people (the fan) I’m sharing it with may not even notice it’s gone. Now let’s say I put my industrial-grade BBQ bib on and proceed to wolf down 30 of those wings- there will still be 132 wings left (!) for five people (one fan) to share (and we all know there are always at least two lightweights in the group that aren’t going to eat anywhere close to their wing-allotment).
So, if a baseball fan (the five people) misses the first 30 games (AKA the 30 wings I just skeletonized) of the MLB regular season (the platter), for whatever reason, they can still jump in and enjoy the rest of the season (the huge platter holding the other 132 wings). It’s really not too big of a deal if it plays out that way. They’d miss less than a fifth of the MLB season and that number doesn’t even include the crazy long playoffs (I forget to define what “playoffs” are). There would still be plenty of time to get familiar with this year’s team and for that chosen team to make a run at the playoffs (I guess “playoffs” = dessert).
The Wings to Games Analogy holds true even with the 82-game NBA & NHL seasons. In this variation, each member of the five people group would get either 13 or 14 wings (give or take) for a total of 68 or 69 wings. I’ve already eaten my 14 wings (and am casually letting everyone know that this is the first food I’ve had all day) but there is still plenty left for the other five people. Even if I go nuts and eat 30 wings (more than double my share), that still leaves 52 wings (more than half the season, excluding playoffs) for the group of five. Having lots of wings makes each one that much less important, even with a half-the-MLB-size platter that only holds 82-wings.
Now, before this gets too out of control (that time has passed, I think), let’s apply all this mess to an NFL Season. A very small platter (not even a platter, it’s really only a slightly larger plate) has just been delivered to the table, bearing a measly 17 wings. Only 17 wings available for six hungry people. Some quick math reveals that the five people will get 3 wings each and I, the poor soul tasked with figuring all of this out, will only get 2 (we know what old Jerry Reed would say about that). I eat my wings right away and “accidentally” eat a couple more. That leaves 13 wings total for the group of five people and at least a couple less friends for me. If even one of those remaining wings goes unaccounted for (probably because I sneak-eat another one), somebody is going to notice and they’re gonna lose it.
Ok, enough with the analogy. Let’s get away from all of the politics and intrigue that are caused by chicken wings and the people who love them. They’ve already destroyed too many lives.
The point of all that is to say that NFL fans, in general, and members of Chiefs Kingdom, in particular, can’t (and won’t) stand losing any games. If, to bring the length of the MLB season back into the conversation, an alleged Chiefs fan didn’t watch 30 consecutive games, that would mean missing the entire 2024 season, the playoffs (assuming KC gets in and then advances to, and wins, the Super Bowl) and around half of the 2025 season. That just ain’t happening, unless there’s some sort of coma and/or alien abduction situation going down.
For most Chiefs fans, even missing one game is a big deal. I have a recurring nightmare several times a year that involves trying to either go to a Chiefs game at Arrowhead or watch a Chiefs game on TV. There are two variations on that basic theme:
Variation #1- No matter what I do, the stadium is always unreachable or I somehow end up in the wrong spot- the top edges of the bowl visible (and the cheers clearly audible) but miles away. I did actually make it inside once, but the team was on the road that week.
Variation #2- I’ve found a place to watch the game but I can’t find a working TV and/or remote. When I do discover functioning electronics, then I’m unable to find the game on any channel (how are there 15 MTVs but no channels playing football?!?) or I suddenly realize that the game was played the day before and my DVR didn’t record it.
Each of the 17 regular season games (I want to go back to calling them “wings” because I’m hungry again) NFL teams play this year, will be a high-stakes affair and the deeper into the season (“platter” holding the “wings”) they go, the more crucial each game becomes (as explained by The Wings to Games Analogy above). By the time the NFL playoffs (dessert) roll around, the stakes and the drama are through the roof. Win or go home! Do or die! Lose and see how supportive your “fans” really are!
If that’s how it is for all those regular teams, what’s it like for the Chiefs?
We know that our team doesn’t have it anywhere close to as easy as the other teams, especially with the dynasty in full swing. When you are the Back-to-Back Reigning World Champion Kansas City Chiefs and enter the 2024 NFL season aiming for a historically unprecedented Threepeat and 4th Super Bowl win in the last six years (which would bring your franchise total to five overall) the pressure, expectations, and drama are just a wee bit higher. It’s the greatest pro sports spectacle going.
NFL Football is the best sport in the world. Period. And what do you call the best team playing in the best sport in the world?
The Best Team in the World?
That’s true, but I just call them the…
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS!!!
Inside A Chiefs Fan's (Almost) Perfect Fantasy Draft
All of the stresses from the season impact us as fans. I think we were all experiencing some version of the nerves that Ms. Swift was feeling (above) during last year’s Super Bowl. I know I was. Honestly, I’m like that every game, all season long.
Anxiety is a legitimate medical issue with me, so you would think I’d do whatever it takes to keep my tension level as low as possible during football season.
Well, you’d better think again because I do no such thing.
This year, yet again, I agreed to play fantasy football. I know how much more edgy it makes me on a day to day basis but, at this point in my life, I guess I can’t help myself. I know it will follow the same basic pattern this year as it did last year and pretty much every year before that:
I’m reminded by the Commish that the season is starting soon, so I do a bunch of mock drafts. I get as many Chiefs as I can in my league’s actual draft (which never resembles the mocks I did in any way) and get a bad draft grade because of it. After that, I slog through a mostly disappointing season marked by a lot of close losses and a few huge wins. I invariably miss the fantasy playoffs, but I do make it to the 9th place game in the consolation playoffs. Winning the 9th place game allows me to delude myself into believing that a few more injury/scoring breaks along with some minor team-philosophy tweaks will put me over the playoff hump next year. I head into the fantasy offseason knowing that I’ve got the 2nd overall pick next season, a fact I will have forgotten by the start of the next season..
For me, that is the circle of fantasy football life.
I know- it’s a sickness.
To further complicate matters, everyone in my league is well aware that I’m a Chiefs fan & fantasy homer (having Chiefs on my fantasy team makes both Chiefs and fantasy games more fun), so they will draft Chiefs players rounds early just to vex me or to try and force me into uneven trades. This year the gamesmanship started the second I walked in the door.
(Note: I believe that all of these exchanges actually happened, but I do have total recall of all things imaginary, so I’m not 100% sure. If I’m in any way misremembering something you said, anyone in my league who actually reads Chiefs Chronicles and feels they’ve been misrepresented should feel free to call me out in the comment section.
And with that, I am free to write whatever I want. No one in my league reads this, except for Nick, and he isn’t quoted here. Aliterate jerks.)
Jon: “So, Gary. Do you think Rashee Rice is going to be suspended?”
(Note: He’s taken Chiefs players before so I’ll trade with him)
My reply: “It’s not looking good…” A total lie delivered in a sad tone with downcast eyes and a shuffling step. I am defeated by this knowledge. (And the Oscar goes to…)
Brandon (AKA The Commish): “Gary, you’re a Chiefs guy. How much do you think Xavier Worthy plays this year?”
My reply: “Rookie receivers never play a lot in Andy Reid’s offenses. Plus, he’s like 150 lbs.- the first big hit he takes, he’s gonna be out for the year.” A huge lie that I delivered with an air of total confidence. I briefly became “The Voice of the Expert” personified.
Kristopher: “You’re taking Mahomes in the first round, right?” he said with a smirk. (Note: He’s my mischievous younger brother from another mother.)
My reply: “My pre-draft planning was minimal this year (true) and my brother Joe told me I need to stick to the board this year (probably true). If Patrick is in the right spot I’ll take him- I won’t jump up to get him.” That last part was a bald-faced lie.
My draft plan (and my brother Joe agreed) was to take my QB1 Patrick Mahomes with the 2nd pick of the 3rd round. If I didn’t, someone else would take him early just to mess with me. The best part of a plan like that is that it’s easy to remember. You don’t even need to write something that obvious down.
In the chaos that is an in-person fantasy draft, I totally forgot about the plan. With my 3rd Round pick I chose this dude…
The Kelce pick went through and Jon said: “AHHH! I was going to draft him and then trade him back to you!” I laughed and raised my hands with my best “You snooze you lose” look on my face, then went back to studying the app. It was looking more and more like Patrick would fall to me- he was like the fourth ranked QB and not one QB had been taken yet.
About 30 seconds after my pick, Kristopher, who was sitting next to me on the couch, started giggling. Now I don’t like to say bad things about my friends, but that sound he was making was pure evil. Something that would make you run screaming from your house if you heard it coming from a darkened room.
“Gary,” he said, bumping my shoulder.
I tried to ignore him, but he kept up the creepy giggle and bumped my shoulder again.
“Gary.”
“What?” I said, turning to look at him.
He had a huge grin on his face. “I just took Mahomes,” he said, all the while giggling from behind his glorious beard like an extremely hairy version of the Joker in the 60s Batman TV show.
C’mon, man!
I acted like it didn’t bother me that much, but he knows that he wrecked my draft plans. As Ray Zalinsky said to Tommy Callahan: “Well kid, you threw one by me.” Savor the flavor, Kristopher. Savor the flavor.
I drafted Lamar Jackson with the pick that I was going to use to get Mahomes. That was bitter, especially considering he’s facing the Chiefs on TNF. I’ll probably have to start him (though it sickens me to do so) because my backup is Kirk Cousins and who knows what he’ll do this year.
I’ve already informally attempted a trade but Kristopher said that he wants to wait at least two weeks before he’ll even consider it. That’s alright. I didn’t make it in life these last 50 years by being impatient. I can wait.
As for the rest of my draft? It actually went well. I got all the Chiefs I wanted (except for the injured Hollywood Brown) and was even able to pick up Carson Steele from the waiver wire after the draft (I stashed one of my picks in an IR slot).
We received our league draft grades from Yahoo! and I got an ‘A’ (the second highest grade in our league) along with an expert AI-prediction that I would win it all this year. Being the chosen one is probably the kiss of death, but it’s never happened to me before. I might just win it all. You never know.
Here’s my team (with some explanations) for all you Chiefs Homers and fantasy football managers:
My top guy is Tyreek Hill and I like the Meg Myers version of that song. The name will be changed next week and every week thereafter- it confuses my enemies.
Look at all my Chiefs and my former Chief! Also, you’ll notice that for some reason we can’t use RBs in the Flex spot. A weird way to go, but the Commish said the rules at draft time can’t be changed until next year. Oh well.
As you can see, my bench has quite a few dart throw picks. And, the soon to be superstar and long-time alligator owner- Carson Steele!!!
Took Butker and the Chiefs DEF earlier to avoid getting upset.
My Week 1 matchup is against the current Northcoast Fantasy League Champion, Skip. He’s a 49ers fan, as you can tell by his name, so this one is personal.
And now I will call out my entire league and say: “Years of planning have all come together and you fools have fallen right into my trap! Prepare to be to be defeated!”
(Note To The Guys From The Northcoast Fantasy League: If any of you have actually gotten this far in the column and read all the stuff I wrote about you earlier, I just want to apologize and say that it was a joke. Of course I don’t think you’re aliterate. If I did, you would have never gotten to experience me calling you jerks because aliterate people can read, they just choose not to. Or you could just be dreaming. Yeah, that’s it. Dreaming… Jerks.)
One last short comment on the game tomorrow night. Hopefully, Chris Collinsworth will keep his big trap shut about where the Chiefs tackles are lining up and the technique they use in pass protection. We don’t want a repeat of last year.
This might be the longest Chiefs Chronicles yet. It wasn’t easy to pull it all together (if I actually did pull it together- that’s unclear at the moment) but it’s done. Apologies for any mistakes I forgot to fix, but I can’t read it again. Done for the day.
Have a nice sleep. I’ll be right there with you tomorrow, watching the Chiefs whup up on the Ravens on Thursday Night Football and yelling at my TV…
Amazing, your brother sounds so cool and handsome. From what I see in your writing and correct me if I’m wrong but Nick is not good at Fantasy Football, at all.
Okay now that I got that out of the way, thanks for helping me get, once again, into the mind of a Chiefs fan. A mash up of pure joy and so much pain all in one, but what I know of all chiefs fans(not counting the band wagoners) this is on point. Thanks for taking us on the ride.
You're right about the length of the regular season. I also think the scarcity of NFL football is what makes it what it is, and ensures that the quality of the games that exist must is much higher. However, they're beginning to jump the shark on this just a little bit sprawling onto more days of the week.
Watching every baseball game is impossible. I know people who've watched every hockey game for a whole season, but it's scary. Watching every NFL game is fairly easy. Even if you find yourself busy for a week you can catch up easily because you've only missed one game. Just watch a replay.
Because of this, I was against expansion to 17 regular season games and I am against expansion to 18 regular season games (although I'm not naive enough to believe it won't happen). I'm also against any further playoff expansion, because the NFL regular season is already on the brink of becoming meaningless (if you can make the playoffs with a .500 record, the regular season is meaningless). As long as there are nine win teams that miss the playoffs (or ten if the season goes to 18 games), I'll be happy.
Baseball ran headlong into this problem. Every game used to be critical, because it often took 100+ wins to move further, but they nuked themselves with endless playoff expansion making the regular season meaningless. This is the reason that sport died. Don't let anybody tell you differently.
Sports owners get so caught up in the pursuit of playoff revenue that they miss the point that sports fans don't watch playoffs just because. If you go too far (like baseball did and college football is doing), fans will tune out to the point where MLB playoff games now have substantially less cultural impact than regular season games 30 years ago. I don't know if there is any talk of future playoff expansion in the NFL, but if there is we need to throw our bodies in front of it. It will (and has) ruined the biggest sport in America before.
Something like a 17 game regular season, or two extra playoff teams, may seem like small steps, but each is one step in the direction of killing the golden goose. Just ask baseball.