Chiefs Chronicles: They're Going To Put Me In The Hospital- 2024 Season Week 3
Games Like These May Kill Me, A "Chiefs Blowout" Defined, The Bengals Have Become The New Raiders, I Don't Want To Talk About Fantasy Football, & All The Randomness You Can Eat!
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Games Like These May Kill Me
(Note: Hopefully, you saw my message on Notes regarding this post. I had to leave town for a medical test, and it messed up my writing schedule. Still got it out before tonight’s game, though. Woo!)
When the Chiefs are in close games, I do not have an enjoyable watching experience. As the lead seesaws back and forth and the seconds tick down in the 4th quarter, I’m getting bombarded by texts from friends and family that say things like: “What a great game!” or “Can you believe this?!” I invariably reply to each message with the same four words:
“I hate close games*.”
(*To clarify, when I say “close games” I’m referring to games where the Chiefs Offense isn’t playing their best and the outcome is in doubt. I also include games where the opposing offense has played well and the Chiefs Defense needs one last big stop to seal the win.
If a score is tight but the Chiefs Offense has been virtually unstoppable, I don’t freak out as much. Those games are a little stressful, but they are also exciting because I know that once Patrick gets the ball, it’s all over for the bad guys (AKA every other team). All he and the Chiefs Offense need is 13 seconds…
Sorry to digress, but you have to admit that is a pretty fantastic digression.
Let’s get back to the, unpleasant by comparison, topic at hand. When I say, “I hate close games,” I absolutely mean it. As a result of that strong dislike of “competitive” or “tight” games (at least when it comes to those type of games involving my favorite team- I’ll give you one clue: their name sort of rhymes with “canvas gritty sheafs” ), the first two Chiefs games of the 2024 season have been nearly unbearable for me to watch.
The telltale signs that proceed a “close game” panic and/or possible heart attack (Lamont Sanford really didn’t have much sympathy for his poor old dad, did he?), usually start to show up right after the first Chiefs turnover or three-and-out following an opponent’s score. It’s that brief period of time when I realize that a win isn’t going to come easy for KC today.
It always begins with panic’s point man, that anxious feeling (if you didn’t know, anxiety is different than panic), which is closely followed by his crony, discouraging thoughts. “Aw, man. That’s not good. It’ll probably be ok though- this isn’t the old Chiefs. These guys can come back from almost anything. Except for the times that they don’t. Remember the game last year against the Raiders on Christmas Day? I don’t want to go through something like that again. They’re going to lose.”
(Note: If you’d like to experience my full-on meltdown after that game, here’s a link to the Chiefs Chronicles I published 5 days later. If you can’t tell, I used AI for the main picture.)
As things in a “close” game continue to unravel (or, at the very least, fail to improve) for the Chiefs Offense, that anxious feeling has called in a few of his unsavory friends to shake things up for me even more: nervous stomach, racing thoughts (which is the Mr. Hyde form of discouraging thoughts’ Dr. Jekyll- and there’s this song in my head), and low-level headache. Unlike the Chiefs Offense in this scenario, these four amigos work very well together. They use the stress of the game to pull off an in-brain prison break, thus unleashing a powerful ally- the enforcer known as chest tightness. In his wake, striding through the hole in the cell wall, wearing all black and looking like a nightmare straight out of Raider Nation, comes the Big Boss:
PANIC
Voltron-like, the (now five) lesser amigos join together to make a huge robot that is designed for total psychological and physical manipulation. Once they’ve completely assembled into a terrifying giant robot, their leader (Panic) climbs aboard and takes a seat behind his infernal controls.
Panic then laughs wildly and screams: “ATTACK!”
Because it’s a panic… attack. Get it?
The result of all that? I feel like I’m dying, and I’m not sure if it’s a panic attack (which suck, but are survivable) or a heart attack (which, as you can guess, are quite a bit more serious). Usually, I can have someone help me to talk my way through it (thanks for last week, Joe!) and it eventually passes. If the Chiefs win, I’m glad but exhausted. If they lose, I have a too-much-stress hangover and nap the rest of the day.
So now that you know what I’m going through every week, can you join me in rooting for a huge win tonight? C’mon, help a brother out.
A “Chiefs Blowout” Defined
In my opinion, the sweetest two-word phrase in the NFL dictionary is:
“CHIEFS BLOWOUT”
(Note: For the purposes of this discussion, I’m going to define a blowout as a win by 17 or more points. Two score games can still be/feel close.)
During the 2023 NFL season (including the playoffs) the Chiefs had 2 blowout wins: 1 in the regular season (41-10 over the Bears) and 1 in the playoffs (26-7 over the Dolphins). In a season (including going through the playoffs the long way ‘round) that had 21 games played by the Chiefs, two blowouts isn’t enough. I get that the were hampered by a historically bad WR corps, but still.
This year’s improved Chiefs team should be able to give us at least 4 blowouts. That feels completely doable. It still isn’t enough for me to be happy, but I’ll take what I can get.
I’m going to go out on a limb, yet again, with my prediction for tonight’s game:
Chiefs will beat the Falcons 38-17
Total Points Scored: 55
They got this!
(Update: My final score prediction for last week was wrong (I predicted a Chiefs blowout with a final score of 41-13) but my Total Points Scored guess of 54 was really close to the 51 that were actually scored. Or is it like Price Is Right rules, where you lose by going over?)
The Bengals Have Become The New Raiders
In the 90s, Marty Schottenheimer made sure that the Chiefs were always ready for Raiders Week. He taught those teams to despise the Raiders and everything they stood for and, as a result, the Chiefs of that era dominated the Raiders- to the tune of an 18-3 (.857 winning percentage) record against them from 1989-98. As a fan who experienced those years, I would have to say it was glorious.
Andy Reid’s Chiefs have dominated the entire AFC West in that same way, with 8 straight seasons as the AFC West Champs and an identical to Marty 18-3 record vs the Raiders!
It feels like the rivalry between the Chiefs and the Bengals has almost reached that level of animosity. In this nicer era of NFL football, where everyone is mostly complimentary about other teams and players, it’s kind of cool that KC has an old school rival again. Until one of the teams in the AFC West finally gets good enough to challenge the Chiefs, it’s nice that they’ve got (and we’ve got) the Bengals to boo.
Those guys are the worst! And what’s with Joe Burrow’s hair?
(Note: I’ve shared this ⬇️ video before, but it’s always fun to relive that era’s version of the glory days.)
I Don't Want To Talk About Fantasy Football
My reign of terror as the top team in our fantasy league is over after one week. The man I call “Other Nick” (because he isn’t the Nick I know best and, as the saying goes, “Better the Nick you know than that “Other Nick” character”) and his JLGDR Crushers (ironically) crushed my Chiefs-dominated lineup.
Therein lies the problem with loading a fantasy team up with players from one real team. If the real team struggles on offense (win or not), the fantasy team is crippled. Still, the Chiefs won the actual game and my imaginary team only dropped two spots to 3rd place. I’ll take that all day long.
Losing Isiah Pacheco was a big blow to the Chiefs and (far less importantly) a massive hit to my fantasy team. Hopefully, he heals up quickly and is back to his Energizer Bunny ways before we know it. We’re rooting for you, Isiah!
During the preseason, Carson Steele was one of the guys I really wanted to make the team (I predicted that correctly in the last Chiefs Chronicles before the season started) and I hoped we’d get to see him and Pop on the field at the same time. We may see that at some point, but it looks like the fill-in job is his to lose for now. I think he’ll be amazing tonight and, in that spirit of being a gigantic Chiefs homer, I have named my fantasy team after him this week:
Let’s GOOOOO!
Well, I almost didn’t make it this week. At least I had a good excuse this time. There are no hospital or far away medical tests in my foreseeable future, so the next Chiefs Chronicles should get to you in a more timely manner.
Unless we have to go through another nail-biter style of game. Then, I’ll have to borrow a laptop so I can write it from my adjustable hospital bed.
Enjoy tonight’s Chiefs Blowout (it just has to be a blowout!!!) and, as always:
