Chiefs Chronicles: The Speedster Edition- 2024 Season Week 2
Let's Do This "Real Quick," Week 1 Thoughts & Wrap, Xavier Worthy & Other Famous Speedsters, Your (Possibly) Unwanted Fantasy Football Update, The Return of Joe and The Bungles, & So Much More!!!
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Let's Do This "Real Quick”
My plan is to finish this week’s Chiefs Chronicles before Thursday Night Football starts. The question that we’re all thinking is this: Is it possible for someone who goes off on tangents, within the tangents they’ve already sidetracked onto, to write something “real quick”? (Note: “Real quick” is in quotes because my Dad is famous for sending us to do a task and then telling us that we should be able to get it done “real quick”. Once we heard those dreaded words, we knew that hours of soul-crushing labor and/or drudgery lay ahead of us.)
See? A tangent about the origin of the phrase “real quick” has slowed me down.
(Note: I also go back and add notes to paragraphs and put links in GIF captions. I actually stopped writing the next section to do this (add a note) and that (put a link in the GIF caption). Must ignore all instincts and keep writing! It’s 3:20 PM PST. Whoa, time travel.)
Back to the matter at hand. Technically, yes, I can finish it in the two-ish hours that are left before the game (it’s now 2:58 PM PST- Future Gary here to say, “No it isn’t!”). It is entirely possible that I will be able to break lifelong writing habits (I reread and edit as I go- to the point of obsession) and write a multi-part column, mostly about Chiefs football, in the next couple hours. I know how that all sounds, but I’m just saying it’s possible.
And, if you think about it, lots of things are possible. Bigfoot is possible. I live less than an hour from the Bigfoot Capital of the World AKA Willow Creek, CA which not only has a great Bigfoot museum that is chock full of “proof” he (or they if there are more than one- I assume the plural is still Bigfoot, the way the plural of moose is moose) exists, but has also had over 300 documented Bigfoot sightings. Willow Creek has the added distinction of being the gateway to the Six Rivers National Forest- the location where, in 1967, two campers shot the most famous Bigfoot footage in existence: The Patterson-Gimlin film.
Ok. Bigfoot tangent complete.
So like I said, it’s possible. Unlikely, but it could happen. The next question we have to ask is this: Does anything in my personal and/or writing history suggest that I am capable of accomplishing such a feat?
Absolutely not. Nevertheless, the attempt continues. It is now 3:12 PM PST. (Update: After going back, it’s now 3:22 PM PST)
Week 1 Thoughts & Wrap
While it got a little tense there at the end (the Defense looked completely gassed), the Thursday Night game was overall an enjoyable watch. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t almost have a panic attack around the 2nd Quarter (I’d have to check with my brother Joe for the exact time- we were talking on the phone) but, for an important AFC game, I handled the stress pretty well.
The offense in general looked good. Sure, there was a little rust and some unforced errors, but they looked explosive much of the night. I was particularly impressed by the trio of Rashee Rice, Isiah Pacheco, and the previously referred to Xavier Worthy (more on him in the next section).
It was so nice to see Chiefs WRs not only catching the ball, but then doing something with it. YAC for days. son! If Rashee and Xavier play like that all year, plus you add Hollywood back in, they will open up the entire field for Patrick Mahomes. Once that happens, Coach Reid can use the power-up that unleashes his Boss-Level players:
MVPatrick and Ultimate Trav…
Sorry, I drifted off to my happy place for a few minutes. (Note: Ruh roh! It’s 3:48 PM PST. Time to pick up the pace. That means no more daydreaming!)
(“Real Quick” Side Note: I didn’t realize it was Astro from The Jetsons who said “Ruh roh!” I always thought it was Scooby Doo. Don’t believe me? Look it up! Oops, it’s 4:04 PM PST)
Pop had a grind-it-out kind of performance, but he put his head down and kept charging that brick wall. Old school football (!) and he got a TD, so it was a great effort against a solid defense. He won’t be playing against that level defense every week, so he’ll get his shots to break off some long runs.
The Defense was just good enough to beat Baltimore and that is great for Week 1. They seem to start slow every year, but this was an encouraging win. Lamar Jackson was pretty great on the night and Isaiah Likely played like a young Travis Kelce but our guys Chris, Furious George, McDuffie, and the rest held the Ravens to 20 points. Not too shabby.
Xavier Worthy & Other Famous Speedsters
(Note: It’s 10:38 AM PST on Friday and, if you didn’t already figure it out, I failed. I’ll try harder next week. Promise. Also, I left what’s already written as is, so feel free to mock Past Gary and his misguided optimism. Sincerely, your buddy- Future Gary)
Time grows short and it fits the theme, so let’s rush through this section about really fast dudes and who would win in a race between them! (Note: In the punctuation world, exclamation points are the speedsters!!!)
(Update: I started this section talking about racing the speedsters and ended up asking which one you’d build your team around. That’s what happens when you divide a section between days. Where’s my continuity consultant?!?)
The Competitors:
Xavier Worthy
You saw him run a 4.21 40 at this year’s Combine. You just saw him score 2 TDs on TNF. He is a blur. We’ve all heard the term “speed you can see” and he has most definitely got that. It became clear to me during his first TD, when I realized that the rest of the players on the field appeared to be stuck at .3X speed compared to him.
The other NFL teams noticed, that’s for sure. I heard that 31 NFL GMs tried to call Buffalo’s GM Brandon Beane after X’s (“X” is just easier and has the benefit of looking/sounding cool) first TD, but only Brett Veach was calling to say, “Thank you!” Hilarious.
Speed: We know he ran the fastest 40 in Combine history, but his top speed is currently unknown. At Texas last year he reached a top speed of 22.7 MPH on a punt return TD (it was called back on a penalty), which was the fastest speed among all college players for 2023.
Upside: He’s all ours!!! The Chiefs did it again. He has the potential to be the next great Andy Reid offensive weapon. (Update: I just heard Hollywood Brown needs surgery on his SC joint and is going on IR. Dang it!)
Downside: He looks downright tiny out there. Stay safe and play smart, young man! Watch some film of Marcus Allen in KC and learn how to avoid hits- it will extend your career.
The Flash
He’s called The Flash, his nickname is The Scarlet Speedster, and, in case you hadn’t guessed from the names, he’s extremely fast. There are a bunch of versions of the character and a whole host of other characters who, like him, can channel “the Speed Force” but Barry Allen (comic/animated/tv/movie) is THE Flash (click here for the TV version of The Flash that I remember) for most people. His list of abilities is impressive but the one that jumped out during my research (and the one that we’re most worried about) is his top speed.
Speed: From Wikipedia: “Barry has been calculated as going as fast as 13 million times the speed of light.”
Upside: He can move so fast that he can travel in time! I know some playoff games in the last 6 years I’d like to see turn out differently and he could help with that. Also, he already has a red/white/yellow uniform, so a Chiefs uniform wouldn’t be a big change for him.
Downside: Someone who can circle the world in less than a second is pretty hard to catch, but he has to sleep just like any other person. The need to sleep is just one of the weaknesses that his enemies (a large number of his “rogue’s gallery” are villains I have not heard of- who the heck is Golden Glider?!? ) can exploit to capture him. Also, if he doesn’t regularly eat huge quantities of food he will collapse. It takes a lot of BBQ to keep a guy like that going. At least the red suit would hide the worst of the sauce stains. Does that count as upside?
The Road Runner
What can I say about the Road Runner? He’s insanely fast, always has a smile on his beak, is supremely confident in his speed, and defeats the Raider-like Wile E. Coyote (and his elaborate traps) on a regular basis. He has a lot going for him. (Check him out here!)
Speed: Real roadrunners have a top speed of up to 26 MPH, but the Road Runner can far exceed that. Online sources put his cruising speed at 276 MPH and his top speed has been estimated as at least 682 MPH, so he’s probably in the subsonic range.
Upside: The perfect “lead by example” speedster. He doesn’t say much, but he dominates the competition. In addition to being crazy fast, he’s also very quick- often there and gone in a cloud of dust. No one can touch him and he’s a guaranteed winner.
Downside: He’s a known loner who is always on the road. Literally. Depending on who you ask, he may actually not be able to leave the road. Sure, no one can touch him, but he also won’t touch anyone. Not ideal on plays where the WR has to block. He also doesn’t have arms, per se, and you can’t catch passes with a plucky attitude. A fanatical coyote constantly trying to blow him up isn’t ideal for a team setting either.
Sonic the Hedgehog
When Sonic the Hedgehog (the video game version) first arrived on the scene in 1991 he blew my mind. He was cool looking, super fast, and he got the job done- all while getting paid. What’s not to like?
Speed: Only considering feats of speed the video game version of Sonic accomplished (since I didn’t watch the cartoons or movies) we can get a good estimate of his speed:
Ran around the world in less than a day, so that puts him faster than 1,038 MPH (the circumference of the Earth is 24,901 miles divided by 24 hours in a day = 1,037.54167 MPH- in case you wanted to check my math). That will be his base speed.
For top speed he was also able to reach the Moon (238,856 miles away from Earth, on average) in 5 seconds. So, if my calculations are correct, that puts his top speed at 171,976,320 MPH! That puts him at .39 of lightspeed. Pretty good. (Note: I just saw he once outran a black hole, so his speed may actually be on par with The Flash.)
Upside: Once he gets going he’s hard to stop. He also has some jumping and/or launching ability that could come in handy in goal-to-go situations. He seems to work well with others (he’s shared the screen with the likes of Tails, Knuckles, Amy Rose, etc.) so he won’t be a distraction, unless…
Downside: Sonic is pretty focused on collecting those rings. Sure, he wants to defeat Dr. Robotnik, but he puts a lot of effort into collecting that cheddar on the way. When it comes time to get paid, he may become a problem for the team. Also, he’s only 3’3” and weighs-in at a puny 77 lbs. He makes our guy X look like a giant! (Note: Joe just reminded me that when Sonic really gets going he is literally rolling, which would make him down in football. Unless he’s airborne and bouncing off guys’ heads…?)
Ok, that’s all the speedsters I have time for. (Note: This portion of the column was not written fast, at all. Literal hours.) We’ve seen all the pluses and minuses each speedster brings to the table and not just in general- in football impact, as well. The question is this:
Your (Possibly) Unwanted Fantasy Football Update
I’m not sure if I’ve ever started a fantasy football season this well. Not only did I beat the reigning champ, but I had the most points and largest margin of victory in the league. My “Draft All Chiefs” strategy is working out so far!!!
For the Week 2 team name change, I decided to feature a mashup of the Chiefs newest offensive weapon and a famous song by George Strait:
The picture I used this week is of X’s second TD. I absolutely LOVE that Ravens CB Marlon Humphrey is in the background, half-turned away and wondering where his help was on the backend. It makes me smile.
The only worry I have now is the fact that I picked Tyreek Hill in the 1st round and now he has a dude I’ve never heard of throwing him passes. My advice: go his way early and often. That’s going to continue to be Miami’s plan, I’m sure.
In all seriousness, I hope Tua is ok. Head injuries are scary and not something to take lightly. I’m sure he will make an informed decision after some time off and lots of visits to some fantastic neurologists. It would be great if he could get better and continue to safely play football.
And not just because my entire fantasy season hinges on Tyreek’s success. It probably doesn’t. All my Chiefs are going to carry me to the Fantasy Super Bowl!
The Return of Joe and The Bungles
Just in case you missed it, watch at least the start of the video above so you can see Joe Burrow at Paris Fashion Week. I’m not sure it will make members of Chiefs Kingdom dislike him any more than they already do, but it made me laugh and I bet you’ll do the same. I made fun of his “fashion statement” on the Rich Eisen Show Instagram account:
That comment pretty much sums up my thoughts on the game this Sunday afternoon. The last time Burrow played the Chiefs was a loss in the AFC Championship game, which led to the second Super Bowl win of Patrick Mahomes’ career, and started the Run For The Threepeat.
That was as good as it’s going to get for him. Patrick has a leveled up offense now and this shouldn’t be pretty. My prediction (I hate predicting games but I’m doing it anyway) is a big win by the Chiefs. You want a score? Ok.
Chiefs win the game 41-13.
Well, I did it. It is now 1:49 PM PST on Friday (Note: Some minor edits took me to 2:05 PM PST) and this edition of Chiefs Chronicles is done. And only 23ish hours late! Not a record for me, but it’s for sure in the top 5.
Have a fantastic weekend and, as always…
(Note: Didn’t do a final read through, so hopefully it all makes sense. If you spot any messed up sentences or errors, please let me know in the Comments. It is now 2:15 PM PST. Aaaaaarrrrrggghhh!)
What I like about Xavier is he's a real world super-speed-sensation! He's not imaginary like the other 3 🤯
Go chiefs!
There is still some unlocked potential in this offense with Worthy, even though he has a slight frame, he looks so natural and fluid in his route running. Excited to see what he can bring to the offense for the rest of the season, especially so with Hollywood going on IR for who knows how long.